BARNAWARTHA NORTH CRICKET CLUB
Vintage cricketers fostering neglect since 1989

Firstly, a disclaimer:

"It has come to my attention that the MCA committee does not consider the BNCC to be a family-friendly environment. I thank them for their opinions and am only too relieved that my own daughters have now been saved from a life of sex, drugs and… just being plain fat. To show my appreciation, I have been inspired by the Wiggles and replaced all offensive language in the minutes with healthy pieces of fruit and vegetables. Feel free to use them for story time at home."

7.44 – Meeting begins.

7.45 – Member Vana T notes that honeydews are already 28 minutes late. Member Luzza fined $2.42.

7.49 – The Dearly Departed – Members Fountain and Wright A – toasted by The Dearly Departed In Waiting, Member Huxley D.

7.50 – Cantaloupes yet to arrive. Member Luzza fined 93 cents.

7.52 – Present – Members Jarman (president), Vana M OCL, Vana T OCL, Huxley D, Huxley P, Todman, Kirsch, Puccione, Macaree, Quirk, Brown, Hatcher, Luzza, Pommie Chris, May, Curtain. Absent – Those not present.

7.55 – Members Illingworth, Patterson and Matt arrive late. All unripened members, so kicked out and fined $1.13 each for disturbance and late arrival. References to homoerotic acts being performed on unripened ones outside (Nb to MCA: Not that there is anything wrong with that).

7.58 – President Jarman makes toast. He did nothing. Last words: “I’m a bit apricotted.”

8.01 – Still no watermelons. Luzza fined another 98 cents. Ordered to get other members a beer.

8.03 – Member Puccione hands around cooking delights. Only the freshest ingredients.

8.05 – Current holder of the Ugliest Player Award, Member Patterson invited in. “You’re Mrs Huxley for the night,” says unidentified member (most likely the same one who said it last year).

8.08 – Members Illingworth and Matt invited in.

8.09 – Member Huxley recites Shakespearian sonnet about coconuts.

8.11 – No coconuts arrive. Luzza fined 1.07.

8.12 – Member Todman fined 83c for interruption.

8.13 – Member Vana T fined 81c for interruption.

8.16 – Business Arising – Todman fined 1.04 for no latte cups. Manitta fined 1.16 for yet again no touring blazers, Patterson fined 1.07 for no idea.

8.19 – Member Brown makes significant, impassioned speech. Unfortunately all that is minuted is member Huxley P’s witty reply, “Who’s going for a green jacket now” (a reference to the fashionable, figure-hugging OCL jackets members Vana T and M are wearing).

8.21 – Member Puccione huffs, “Sorry, but I need to know whether the grapefruits are coming tonight! If they’re not, I at least need to know.”

8.22 – Grapefruits arrival uncertain. Luzza fined 78 cents.

8.26 – Member Kirsch summarises past season:
Sunk juice, blew carrots.
Thumped top side. Kirsch refers to “memorable” chase of opposition’s total. Vana M interjects to remind Kirsch that we batted first.
600 runs plus made by Chad “ The Zucchini” Richardson.
Kirsch himself gets out “that Overripe, Hairy Avocado Half” Mc Callum, lbw with a grubber on first legal delivery.
The Party Popper Incident, along with Vana T’s Grassy Knoll- highlights.
Hydroflow fined 2.87 for behaving like that join bit in a peach, but with a hole in it.
Member Pavolo rocks up to bat straight out of car with pads on. Also brings mincemeat for barbie.
Member Hatcher fined 98 cents for reminding Kirsch of his own exploits during the season that were oversighted.
Miss out on finals because wisdom of Rainman Vana ignored in last game.

8.46 – Member Curtain fined 1.12 for interruption. Member Pommie Chris fined 1.09 for throwing empties loudly in bin in an attempt to drown out Member Kirsch’s report.8.51 – 6 inch corn cob consumed.

8.56 – Raffle announced. Trip to London. 4 nights in president’s apartment with full conjugal rights (including wearing the famous safari jacket while on the job).

8.59 – Member Zucchini rings from Tasmania. Formal apology.

9.00 – Member Kirsch fined 1.87 for taking the call from Member Zucchini in the middle of the meeting.

9.04 – Member Vana T appalled by lack of pumpkins. Luzza fined 12.36 for each pumpkin.

9.08 – Member Brown makes another inspiring speech about nothing in particular. Only line of recognition: “As your humble treasurer, I cannot guarantee you will get pumpkins, but I can promise you pizza.”

9.14 – Member Kirsch throws money. Fined 2.16.

9.17 – Following pay up membership: Members Todman, Huxleys P and D, Chris the Pom, Illingworth, Quirk, Luzza, Curtain, May, Patterson ($50 donation), Puccione.

9.18 – Outstanding debts – Kirsch - $43.42.

9.21 – Member Huxley D buys $200 worth of raffle tickets. Luzza donates another $500.

9.24 – Treasurer states that kitty now has $2347.

9.27 – Member Kirsch (candidate for Todman Award - “most fined player”) fined 1.24.

9.31 – Members line up to shake Treasurer’s hand for his magnificence with money. Vana T reminds him: “It’s either you or Wrighty.”

9.34 – Turf Manager, Member May announces club has just been sold on e-bay. Bought by mysterious buyer.

9.37 – Stephen Pearson given life and ten year ban.

9.42 – Two fruit bowls arrive named Kirra and Ruby. Luzza breaths again.

9.44 – Member Curtain and Hatcher become club legends due to Frank Vana accidentally bringing two extra legends jackets back from a child labour camp in Bangkok. In Curtain’s acceptance speech, he promises that the club can use the Lemon Baxter facilities unconditionally for life and that any recipient of the Barny of the Year is welcome to come and decorate the office any way they see fit.

9.48 – Member Huxley gets a shirt. Member Patterson wins a brick. Voted the vaguest bloke of all time.

9.54 – Current committee all re-elected.

9.59 – Member Huxley D wins most of the raffle prizes, including trip to Jarman’s.

10.01 – Queries about the hat. Where is it? Do we need a new one? Member Todman to get it… “If the hat fits…” Fined 1.98 for not getting one already.

10.02 – Member Todman to get a new cricket bag for club.

10.06 – Ruby voted Jnr Vice Pres.

10.07 – Kirra voted assistant jnr vice president.

10.09 – A number of members have changed seats. Either that or the secretary has and therefore it just looks like others have as he’s looking on from a different angle.

10.11 - Assistant Jnr Vice President appears to have an allergy to the leather of the chairs. Member Kirsch nobly offers his lap which she accepts.

10.13 – Members Patterson and Puccione discuss weight issues – “Does my bum look good in this?”

10.14 – 11.00 – Mysterious member re-decorates offices in Lemon Baxter.

11.13 – Meeting closes.