Men of the BNCC,
Let me take this rare opportunity to talk to you all
about leadership.
Not being mates and doing a bit of work together.
Not hanging around the dunnies at Fawkner Park on a
Saturday night.
But leadership. Strong - Passionate - Direct.
Let this be a lesson to the rest of you that find yourselves
in the fortunate position to lead the BNCC this year,
or ever in the future. This may be the most important
thing you ever read. Allow me to begin.
Early in the week when I was selected (by myself - brilliant
Decision #1) to be captain against Hydro Flow, I begun
looking for inspiration. Motivated by my forefathers
and their ability to lead a nation, I eagerly begin
the enjoyable process of reading Mein Kampf.
Suitably pleased with myself, the team for the week
takes shape. A good mix of large and small, old and
young. I'm pleased.
We somehow end up with 12. But taking the approach as
suggested by Mein Fuhrer on page 72, I quickly remove
the old and frail. Old Hucca out - brilliant Decision
#2.
Arriving at the ground to find a superbly renovated
new pavilion at Herring we assemble (special thanks
to the parents of the snotty brats from across the road).
It doesn't look like the slightly burnt oven I had visualised
during the week. Nonetheless, nothing can stop me. I
toss the coin (brilliant Decision #3), he calls heads.
I laugh. Amateur.
It's a head. I laugh again. He wants to bat. Amateur.
I have a weapon. Not a gas tank or militant army type
weapon, but one formerly from the Allies who is ready
to set sail after a year in the wildnerness doing special
ops work. You know it and if you don't, you should.
There's only one.
Simon Todman characteristically late (he will pay for
this later) so I put Old Hucca in to sub field at mid
wicket (Superb Decision #4).
Enter the opening bowling duo (brilliant decision #5)
Pooch - 8 overs of magnificent bowling, 1/10. Could
have been another one if Pete the stoner umpire could
hear the caught behind that took an inch off that blokes
bat and could have been heard from Fawkner Park. "Geez
Kirschy, might need an amplifier out here" says
Pete. (you know the drawl that he speaks with, that
one line took 11 mins).
Another big chance for Patto when a leading edge goes
up in the air to Old Hucca at mid wicket. And in what
can only be described as BNCC history, Old Hucca (to
everyone's surprise) manages to have the ball (which
is starting to show signs of wear and tear from the
slowness through which it's going through the air) hit
him in the hands and fall out. Perfect. Should have
remembered the words of the Stasi, bugger!!
"Kill the old bastard and take him off the ground.
Bring on Todman." I scream. It hurts to say it
(not about hucca).
But again nothing can stop me, brilliant decision #6.
Patto at the other end. Scares them with a couple of
bean balls and takes 3/17 off 9. BNCC right on top and
you can smell it already. Hucca large mentions the word
outright. I almost punch him.
36 Overs later we've cleaned them up.
Pav's the next change and takes 2 more. (brilliant decision
#7)
Toddy provides arguably the best run out in BNCC history
hitting one stump directly side on whilst running. (brilliant
decision #8)
More impressive given his tendancy to fumble.
Gorgeous George bowls 6 headhunters and almost gets
dragged but snares one.
Deano and Hyndo bowl a few and just about get Hydro
Flow back into the game in an obligatory BNCC pie throwing
session. (not so brilliant)
And after missing the easiest run out opportunity I've
ever seen, Rob Huxley (not quite as skilled as his big
brother) manages to get the last wicket. Hydro Flow
all out for 110.
Time for a Wurst in Brot.
Pooch reminds me that his last four batting efforts
have ended in 0. He was happy with the Audi.
I suggest the olympic rings might be more his style.
Better send him out to open (Brilliant Decision #9).
He makes one of the best singles of all time, pure joy
but doesn't last much longer.
Marty Vana in to open with him who superbly goes on
to make double figures in a lusty 10 over battle. (brilliant
decision #10).
Hyndman gets himself off a pair - just- before departing
and the BNCC starting to look a little vulnerable. The
skipper (feeling a little horny after a blast on Tommy's
grass) puts himself at 11 knowing full well he won't
be required.
Big Hucca out for 1. A small amount of nervousness creeps
in.
Enter the newly annointed Mrs. Kirsch who has taken
to the role of nagging wife like sauerkraut to a bratwurst.
"Remember we have to leave early today, why are
you batting last??"
"Because babe, I won't be needed"
"But what if you are, you'll have to wait"
"Crap, you might be right (again)"
Brilliant decision #11 - I feel remarkably comfortable
in penalising Todman again and take his batting spot
at number 6 and stroll to the non strikers end with
Gorgeous George. The first one goes over the Herring
Pavillion and takes about 10 mins to find. I begin to
relax.
BNCC go from 4/48 past their score as Gorgeous George
and I (in not particular order of importance) almost
put on a hundred runs (distribution of runs not important)
and go past their score with ease.
Selflessly bowled going for the slog on 24, I have a
moment of weakness (Mein Fuhrer would be disappointed)
and decide to let Hydro Flow stop the embarrasment.
Gorgeous George complains because he's on 89 no. and
wouldn't mind having a go at his 100.
This makes me feel better and justifies my decision
as I remind him (brilliant decision #12) that I'm the
skipper and personal achievements mean nothing at this
club.
Crowd loves it. George doesn't.
F$%^k him. I'm sure he'll get another go later in the
year. Today is all about me and I walk off to glorious
rapture.
I go home marvelling in my decision making prowess,
delighted at the outcome. There is real potential in
this team. This could be our year.
I'm horny again. Mrs. Kirsch doesn't want a bar of it.
No surprises there. There is always cricket next week.
And so, gentleman, thus ends a tail in leadership and
it's powers. You too can learn from this story.
I'm away for a few weeks with work but remember, in
my absence, that you too are part of the perfect race
and have the ability to lead as I have shown you.
Go forth Barnie Army. Let us take our rightful place
in this our 20th year of Fostering Neglect.
Auf Wiedersehn
Herr Kirsch
